Black Rain
by FiendisHSerapH
Summary: ~LAST PART ADDED!~Song fic between Shinji and his father Gendo, saying what Shinji REALLY felt towards him 15 yrs. later and 2 yrs. after Gendo's death. Read and review but please BE GENTLE... THANKS
1. Part One

  
  
DISCLAIMER: I have no relation to any staff of the makers of Evangelion cause I don't own them. And I also don't own Staind [band who sang the song] either! Please don't sue me people.  
  
**BLACK RAIN: PART ONE**  
  


I opened my eyes. It's perfect.  
  
Bright sunshine was blinding me. I peeped at the digital clock at the desk right beside my bed. 8:12 A.M, it says.  
  
And it's already June 3--- There's an occasion right this very day that I wanted to leave behind and yet. I still can't. This occasion haunts me up till now.  
  
It's the ONLY occasion of death wherein I didn't leave traces of tears on my cheeks. I didn't cry. Well, why should I cry then? All I felt those times was relief, a welcome change of feeling from the usual suppressed angry emotion of mine. He's not living anymore, I should rejoice! There's no one making me feel the least important and worthless person in the whole wide world.  
  
No more Commander Gendo Ikari of NERV.  
  
It's already his 2nd death anniversary, but no matter how hard I try to forget him, since he's not present anymore, his signs and traces of his presence still show.  
  
I can't take him off my mind. He's everywhere and anything that I see.  
  
The more I say I hate him, the more he comes back to me.  
  
What am I feeling? Why can't I get him off my head?  
  
Let's say right now--- I looked at the mirror and stared at the reflection of Shinji Ikari, a successful co-manager of a travel agency and a good novelist and violinist by trade, but not by course.  
  
But NO, it's not me that I am seeing.  
  
Just NOT ME-  
  
It's a man of great resemblance to Gendo, staring back at me.  
  
Not Shinji. It's Gendo Ikari, a younger version.  
  
**A chip off the old block.**  
  
I wanted to do something to get him off my sight. I wanted to turn away form the mirror yet I need to look closely. I wanted to punch the mirror very much, yet I am not strong to do that.  
  
You've guessed it; **I'm a weakling-**  
  
-- like my father said.  
  
I looked away from the mirror to stop staring at the sardonic scene. I simply opened the blinds and the drapes of my window.  
  
Tokyo-3? No, it isn't.  
  
TOKYO-4  
  
The New World. The ideal world full of peace and abundance.  
  
But love? I'm not that sure.  
  
The Angels are already gone. No more Evangelions. No more rush evacuations. No more nightmares.  
  
And for me, no more drab synchronization tests.  
  
I looked at the distant horizon and stared at the place where the headquarters and the Geofront stood 15 years ago---  
  
And now, it was transformed into a shopping plaza.  
  
It became a place full of nice things and where people hang out and enjoy themselves.  
  
And those people are new settlers in this very historic land.  
  
But I am sure they don't know about the rotten history that makes this place very different from all the others.  
  
But I want to speak no more.  
  
I'll keep my mouth shut over those things.  
  
I chose to be just a silent witness of that historical event.  
  
I, the pilot of EVA UNIT-01  
  
I, a staff of NERV in one way or another  
  
I am sworn and pledged to secrecy.  
  
Because I don't want to remember  
  
Everything nasty and unpleasing  
  
The deadly attacks of the Angels---  
  
And how we one-handedly and hopelessly handled the situations.  
  
Yes, I should stop remembering those things.  
  
Those years have passed already.  
  
And after 15 years---  
  
We should have a NEW beginning  
  
A fresh and new start  
  
Full of life, of hopes and dreams  
  
And I should forget EVERYTHING about the bad past of Tokyo-3  
  
Including MY bad past  
  
But I can't--- I just can't  
  
I have to go back to my father, even though I really disliked him.  
  
Cause there's something I need to tell him  
  
Something important  
  
Something that's embedded deep inside me  
  
Something--- something that you probably haven't heard from me.  
  
I landed safely back to sanity. I closed the windows and prepared for this day.  
  
A day in memory of Mr. Gendo Ikari.  
  
  


A/N: Well, is that okay? Do you still want me to go on with writing this? Sorry for all the wrong grammar in here [take note: I'm just a beginner] and sorry if I don't know better of the series. I haven't watched it completely. The song probably will show up the next part. Please do review. Do not put flames, okay? Please be gentle; beginner only. But you may put some suggestions and put it in a nice manner, okay? Thanks---


	2. Part Two

  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: The song still isn't here because I decided to keep the story alive instead of 'killing' it instantly. This chapter contains only hallucinations of the past. Pardon for all the grammatical errors but I hope you'll understand it somehow. Read---  
  


**PART TWO~ EXCESS BAGGAGE**  
  


The blue limousine screeched to a halt.  
  
Someone got out and the power windows at the driver's panel opened.  
  
"Ikari-sama, would you like me to go back here at a definite time?"  
  
His trusty driver, Yamamoto-jii-san, asked him with a sweet voice.  
  
"No, thanks, jii-san. I'll be okay out here."  
  
"Please be careful, Ikari-sama. You might hurt yourself."  
  
The old but baby-faced driver replied with a smile.  
  
"I'm not a child anymore, Yamamoto-jii-san. But thanks for caring."  
  
Shinji returned his smirk.  
  
"Well, see you, Ikari-sama. Goodbye."  
  
They parted and sooner, the limo drove away.  
  
Shinji smiled and thought, "If only Yamamoto-jii-san is like my father."  
  
After that, Shinji turned to his back.  
  
He's right. He's there; he's already there.  
  
He's back to his father.  
  
He walked slowly and familiarized himself with the place once again.  
  
_"After about six years, I am back in this place---"_ Shinji chuckled short.  
  
_"I am such a very bad son to neglect him. Now I don't know even where his grave was located!"_  
  
He looked around. Summer breeze lightly passed him by.  
  
_"Well, he'd been such a very bad father to me then---"_  
  
He stooped, walked slowly and recalled the past.  
  
_"My childish pride---"  
_  
"Good job." Mr. Gendo Ikari praised.  
  
"The time he praised me after defeating an Angel."  
  
Shinji beamed coyly.  
  
"The first time he appreciated me, all the work I've done. And that's the only good memory he left me."  
  
"The DUMMY PLUG SYSTEM. He forced me to kill Touji, my best friend-"  
  
**"NNOOOOO!!!!!!!!"**  
  
Shinji felt helpless as he watched his Evangelion kill its enemy, another Evangelion, against his will. On the other hand, his father watched silently as he looked at the sadistic and brutal beating, as if enjoying it.  
  
**"WHY DID YOU LET ME BEAT THAT EVA AGAINST MY WILL?"  
**  
Shinji shook within his handcuffs.  
  
"Because it's simply what you're here to do."  
  
"But---," He balled his fists. "Touji is my best friend. You didn't care for the person still inside the EVA--- HE'S MY FRIEND!"  
  
"The EVA wasn't on his mind and on the pilot's control. So you need to defeat the EVA for it to back to its own self."  
  
The commander replied coldly. Then, all Shinji saw was he's already being dragged away from him, to his father.  
  
"You only cared on your work even you're already hurting someone else. You have NO HEART. YOU ARE AS HARD AS STEEL. AND FOR THAT I SWEAR--- **I HATE YOU, FATHER!"  
**  
**"Why, why, why, why, why?!?"**  
  
Tears streamed down his fear-stricken face.  
  
His voice 15 years ago still echoes inside his mind.  
  
His voice was hurt and raspy because of continuous shouting.  
  
His voice of mixed emotions of fear, anxiety, pain, regret and the most evident among them all-  
  
ANGER  
  
It's been always the same feeling that he felt over and over again.  
  
It's already seeded deep inside his heart, poisoning his thoughts.  
  
Those were the times of the Evangelion, year 2015.  
  
But now, there are no more EVAs.  
  
There's no more oppressing Gendo Ikari.  
  
And also, no more NERV.  
  
They've gone their ways.  
  
Asuka went back to Germany to start a new life, and most probably, a husband.  
  
Miss Misato Katsuragi is already Mrs. Ryouji and is now living peacefully at Matsusherio.  
  
Rei, upon knowing Gendo's death, became like a monarch butterfly.  
  
She flew away, migrated, but never to return.  
  
Ritsuko--- well, not much news was known about her.  
  
Keel Lorenz died three years before Gendo did.  
  
How about the crew? They started new lives already.  
  
Seems like all of them already forgot the past and are living like normal people now.  
  
But me--- not yet.  
  
Cause I am STILL haunted by the past.  
  
Or is it: I AM still haunting the past?  
  
Yes that's it!  
  
I AM STILL HAUNTING THE PAST BECAUSE IT WAS LEFT OPEN-ENDED.  
  
I need to resolve my issue with my dad,  
  
And that's the reason why I am here.  
  
Because there's something I didn't tell him.  
  
And I need to tell it to him right now.  
  
I held my chest, my lungs are somehow being suppressed.  
  
I looked out there and I saw it.  
  
I stopped at a grave whose name can't already be seen clearly and moss was already around it.  
  
Untrimmed and unkempt.  
  
I gently shoved the grass away and cleaned the moss.  
  
The name read:  
  
"The retired NERV commander Gendo Ikari."  
  
He's my father.  
  
I stood still in front of the grave.  
  
The breeze now became a threatening wind, signaling a possible downpour.  
  
I still stood straight, thinking how to start---  
  
  


~NOTE: -JII-SAN MEANS 'GRANDFATHER' IN JAPANESE AND -SAMA MEANS 'MASTER'. THANKS TO ELINOR FOR THE INFO! IT WAS TRULY APPRECIATED.~  
  
IS THIS CHAPTER OKAY? GIVE ME COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NO FLAMES. I AM NOT YET READY TO RECEIVE THOSE STUFF. PLEASE BE GENTLE ON ME; I'M JUST A BEGINNER. PLEASE REVIEW FOR NOW. THANK YOU AND GOOD DAY.


	3. Part Three

*AUTHOR'S NOTES: After a long disappearance (let's say, 3 months?), I am back. Changed the title, revised the format, and here it is! THE LAST PART! The song's here already, although I wrote the lyrics not in order as they appeared on the song. Anyway, just enjoy. Thank you.

*DISCLAIMER: I don't own Evangelion, and all other Anno's masterpieces out there. Also, I am not Staind's manager or something. So don't sue me.

BLACK RAIN: PART THREE 

Shinji stood still, looking directly at the grave wearing an expressionless and cold gaze. He wanted to run away, away from that intimidating figure wearing a heartless stare. His father… 

But, wait a minute… He's not alive anymore. He's pretty damn dead already! So why am I running away? Hah! He's buried six feet underground. And now-- 

I AM NOT TURNING AWAY!

"I am not a coward anymore. I'm brave and old enough…" 

He gripped his fists.

**Brave enough to tell everything and all…**

**Brave enough to accept the truth…**

**Brave enough to show you what I feel…**

All of a sudden, he heard a song coming from far away. The lone sound of a plucked acoustic guitar… and it heightens Shinji's depressed emotion with its every beat.

A raindrop fell, then another, until it all dropped off.

A clap of thunder followed. Still he stood there, in waiting. Then, he sang…

**"Well I know the words**

**But I can't really speak them**

**To you."******

And memories flooded his mind.

_Only a few times I've seen you during my childhood years, and for a very long interval I gathered my courage for me to speak, yet all of a sudden it all dissolve_ _into thin air, upon seeing those blank eyes so deep and chilling. Suddenly, I chicken out…_

**"And I hide all the pain**

**That I gained with my wisdom**

**From you."**

"You want to quit being a pilot, then?" His cold and commanding voice asked. I can't believe that it's me whom he's talking to. 

I balled my hands into fists, and then nodded in reply.

"Well then, you're not needed here anymore." I heard him say as I was being pulled out of his room, as dark and empty as his thoughts and feelings.

_"You're lifeless, you're cold. You have no heart… and for these I will hate you forever… and I wish that you've never been my father."_

_"Irresponsible, numb, senseless…"_ The thoughts sink in.

But--- 

**"…I'm eaten alive**

**By what I hold inside**

**All those things that I live with**

**I can't easily hide."**

_--- There's something inside me that doesn't want to abandon you even though I really wanted to. There's a part of me that doesn't want to go; a part of me that insists on going back and never giving up on you…_

_There's a part of me that yearns for your appreciation, respect, concern, and attention--- those things that you've never given me during your life._

_But then, there's only one situation where I experienced it…_

_"Good job, Unit-01 pilot…"_

_My childish pride… my joy. My simple, shallow joy. All built up… within that one valuable sentence… _

_And the only sentence that made me long for you…_

_Many times I tried very hard to please you, to fit for your high standards. So many times that I can't remember when… I have tried to see or hear you laugh._

Any son would want that for his father… "And I'm left here with nothing 

**Nothing to live for**

**But you…"**

--That became my undertaking for being an Eva pilot… not only because I want to haunt you down in payment for the worst thing you've done to me…

**_---Leaving me alone out there, out in this wilderness._**

_But because I--- I…_

Shinji was already drenched in the freezing rain, still he stood there, bowing his head down.

Something hot dropped to the ground.

Hot and full of rage… his tears.

"The symbol of pouring down one's thoughts and deepest, darkest secrets.. and being true to yourself."

--- I want to be with you. I want to see you always. I crave hard to be close to you to see if you are doing okay, to be there just in time when you need me, your son. But then…

**"I can't seem to erase**

**All the scars I have lived with**

**From you…"**

---You've caused me scars, deep scars seen not from the outside, but from the soul that is inside. These scars are still bleeding and are not easily healed by time. These painful emotional scars came from the times you disregarded me, when you overlooked me. Furthermore, those times when you neglected me and rejected all the hard work I've done…

**"When you look at my face,**

**Does it seem just as ugly?**

**To you?"**

_--- Yes, probably if you're alive right now… these things I am saying seems really funny. But no, not for me. For I am getting caught in between mixed emotions. Anger remains but respect still reigns in another side. I value you a lot, father, but I don't and cannot show it to you…because I am anxious… of those eyes behind that pair of glasses, which seemed to bore deep inside my fragile and feeble being, and breaking it like a lightweight shard of glass._

"I am so sick of this place 

**And this taste in my mouth**

**Cause of you I can't figure**

**What I am all about…"**

The rain poured harder, and the lightning crashed about. He stood still, "talking" with his father…

_---**"Who am I? What is my purpose?" **These are the questions that bugged me ever since my childhood… and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, GENDO! It's all because of you that I have no confidence and trust in myself… _

_But then…_

**"…I m left here with nothing**

Nothing to live for 

**But you…"**

He kneeled in front of the grave.

_---It's also because of you that I struggled to survive, just to prove you that I am SOMETHING. It's also because of you that I am still here, standing with my own two feet. You made me stronger and a better person._

_From all your failures as a person I've gained lessons; from all your weaknesses I gained strength._

_And there's much more I need to say…_

"I love you father. I do and I always will…" 

---I realized it only these things I've been telling you after your death. You're shocked, aren't you? Well, it's too late to say these things. But, I am proud of you as my father.  You've taught me life's lessons, although indirectly and ambiguous From your own mistakes as a father to me I vowed that I'll ever do what you did as an irresponsible dad.

The rain ceased a little while after saying those words, and he was soaking wet, kneeling in front of his father's grave.

Tears once again formed at the corners of his eyes.

**_"W-will you ever--- f-forgive m-me…?" He muttered in a hoarse voice._**

**"It's not easy to hide all the damage inside**

I'll carry you with me Until I'm not alive…" 

"Ikari-sama!" His driver yelled at him, "You've been wet and soaked from the rain. I told you never to go reckless on your… I-Ikari-s-sama?" Yamamoto stopped from his sermon when he noticed Shinji breathing shallowly his cheeks deathly pale, and his hand holding his chest.

"I-Ikari-sama! Daijoobu desu ka? Are you okay? Tell me…" He panicked, his voice shaking as he gently pulled Shinji to a standing position.

"Y-Yama…moto….j-jii—san." Shinji voiced between his breaths.

"I-I should bring you to the nearest hospital…." Yamamoto assisted him as they went back to the limousine parked a few meters away from them. But before getting inside the car, Shinji looked back to his father's gravem sighed, and got inside the limo.

_"No… he didn't. He didn't forgive me. Should we stay like this as long as I live?"_

"Should my conscience haunt me like… forever?" "I tried… many times… but I failed…" 

He muttered as the limo started to run slowly, away from the cemetery gates.  

A/N: Haay, mush… GOD! I don't know what I've been writing for all these times. It's been a looong  disappearance, ne? Well, I am happy that at last it ended here. Now all I need is your reviews. Pleeeassee? I need to know if it's just okay…

~Thank you for reading and have a nice day…~


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